Right smack in the middle of the first ten commandments of God to His people is the command: Honour thy father and thy mother: that thy days may be long upon the land which the LORD thy God giveth thee.

Great. No problem. But what about the bad parents? The parents who abandon their child… the parents who abuse their child physically or verbally… the parents who struggle with addictions… the parents in jail… the parents who are really, really bad parents: how do you honor the unhonorable? God clearly lists no exceptions when He wrote in Ephesians 6:1-3, ” Children, obey your parents in the Lord: for this is right. Honour thy father and mother; (which is the first commandment with promise;) That it may be well with thee, and thou mayest live long on the earth.” So, do you just endure the abuse and pretend everything’s okay when it’s not?

Absolutely not! A loving God would never subject you to continued abuse and He most certainly does not wish you to participate in any sinful or harmful behavior. But how do you honor an unhonorable parent then?

1. Forgive them. Matthew 6:14 tells us, “For if ye forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you: But if ye forgive not men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.” Did you know that your parents are imperfect sinners? Shocking, I know. But really, parents mess up. They make mistakes, they sin, they struggle with pride, with selfishness, with self-indulgence. But just as our God forgives us for our bad choices, He expects us to forgive our parents for their bad choices. This does NOT mean that we excuse away abuse. It also does not mean that we have to subject ourselves to the bad choices our parents make. For instance, if my mom was a drug addict (she’s not 🙂 ), then forgiving her for choosing to do drugs does not mean that I must spend time around her while she’s on drugs. It comes down to choosing to love despite the sin and this kind of forgiveness is based totally on Christ’s character (not our parents’ character). Your parent, just like us, will not deserve forgiveness. None of us do. I’m also not going to say forgiveness is easy to do, because really it’s not an easy choice to make especially if a parent has hurt you physically or verbally. But you can obey God’s command to honor an unhonorable parent by choosing to not harbor bitterness or anger towards them. Like the old saying goes: hate the sin, but not the sinner. 
2. Change the family legacy. You can honor an unhonorable parent by being different than your parents are. I love hearing stories about kids who are first time high school graduates or first time college graduates: no other people in their families have ever graduated before and yet these kids persevere and make it happen. They change the family name’s legacy from “drop-out” to “graduate” with the choices they make and their determination. This brings honor to their family name that they inherited from their parents. The first example that came to my mind was Saul and Jonathon. Saul was really not a very good king: he was selfish, irrational, cowardly, and tended towards temper tantrums. He was not an honorable parent. But Jonathon was everything his dad was not and showed such great honor (despite his heritage) that David tried to honor Jonathon in death by caring for his son. If your parents have labeled your last name with “drug-abuser” or “verbally abrasive” or any other sins that are so prevalent in modern day, it’s up to you to change that legacy. You’re able to obey God’s command to honor these unhonorable people by choosing to be different — better– than they ever chose to be. Don’t stay a victim: that only continues a legacy of dishonor.
3. Watch your words & motives. Sometimes, it’s our silence and separation from our parents that honors them best. But only when it’s motivated correctly. If I separate myself from a parent who’s verbally abusive, it’s honorable if I’m motivated to do so because I don’t want to say things I may regret. It’s dishonorable if it’s to spite my verbally abusive parent. Choosing to remain silent instead of using hateful words (no matter how earned those hateful words may seem) is always the wise, honorable way to treat an unhonorable parent. Proverbs 21:23 tells us, “Whoso keepeth his mouth and his tongue keepeth his soul from troubles.” Blasting your parent every time you converse or talking about them badly when they’re not around (include Facebook, texts, Instagram, Snap Chat, etc. here) is very unhonorable.

Throughout His Word, we find that God always keeps His promises and He always blessed obedience. As a Christian, we’re to obey His Word and commands. We know that God commands us to honor our parents and He does not give exclusions to this command. By choosing to forgive the hurts, change the legacy given us, and keep our words and motives in check, we’re able to obey God by honoring our parents even when they’ve chose to be unhonorable. Remember that God gives grace to help us do the hard things. “But unto every one of us is given grace according to the measure of the gift of Christ.”

Obedience is not always easy: I know. But it is possible through God’s grace and obedience is always worth it.

Love, Meghan