I hate being the bad guy, but as a youth pastor’s wife I have to fill that role in my teen girls’ lives sometimes. I hate knowing that I need to cause any pain at all to the absolutely lovely, amazing young women I’ve encountered at the churches my husband and I have served at. But you know what I hate more? A wasted life. The latest stat I’ve heard on the number of teens who make it to age of 21 still attending church was 1/10. 1 teen out of every 10 teens will stay in church after they start adulting. That means that 9/10 of teen girls will grow up and waste their lives on things that don’t last into eternity.

So, I play the bad guy: Mrs. Bad Guy, yup — that’s me. I tell girls who are obsessing over the wrong things that they need to re-focus. I tell girls who aren’t reading their Bibles or praying that they need to. I tell girls that they need to obey curfew when we go to teen camp even though it would be more fun to go sledding down the halls with our mattresses after lights out. And I do it because I love them and it would kill my heart to see these lovely, brave young women waste their lives and talents on the temporal things of this world. I would much rather play the bad guy if that means they get to focus on the eternal things not of this world. 

Here’s 5 ways to playing a successful bad guy in your ministry:

1. You cannot be the Holy Spirit. If a person isn’t ready to change, they’ll never change; if a person is ready to change, it only takes the slight Bad Guy comment to push that person in the right direction. The real Holy Spirit takes over from there and does the changing and cleansing as a person repents of their bad choices. Despite all our best Bad Guy efforts, we cannot make a decision for a person. Lasting change can never be forced. If a change is going to last, it will come from the Holy Spirit renewing a person’s mind (or thought process) about their decisions. We find this in Romans 12:2 where it says, “And be not conformed to this world: but be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind, that ye may prove what is that good, and acceptable, and perfect, will of God.” When an adult tries to play the Holy Spirit, it removes the responsibility of choice from a teen. It removes the lesson in learning to let their own conscience and God move them towards the right decisions. When an adult tries to be a teen’s Holy Spirit, they actually move them further away from God’s truth. 
2. You must believe change is possible. Proverbs 27:3a says, “For as he thinketh in his heart, so is he,” yet I’ve seen many leaders try to speak truths that they don’t believe will change anything into their followers’ lives. Here’s what I mean: one of my youth pastor’s used to preach consistently that God could change anyone and that God could use anyone for His ministry, but then this youth pastor would single out teens in the group and talk about how he thought that person would really be used of God in a special way. But he never named me. Or my sisters. Or my brothers. Or my cousins. Because my family, in his eyes, simply wasn’t good enough for ministry. Maybe I’m wrong: maybe he did this unintentionally, but that was definitely the message that came through loud and clear. This youth pastor was preaching a good Word, but he wasn’t following through with honest belief that we could be more than what we were at that time. It took me 10 years after he left our youth group to ever consider that maybe God could use me after all: that maybe I wasn’t destined to be a screw up because of my last name. If you’re going to be a successful bad guy for your teens, you have to believe in change: you have to believe yourself that they can change. I definitely knew that youth pastor from my past didn’t believe in God’s ability to use me so his words made no impact on my life. Believe that a teen can change and they will: if you look at the teens who make it past that 21-years-old mark and stay in church, it’s almost always because they had an adult who believed that they could be a successful Christian. Think they can make it so that they will. 
3. You should learn how to trade. Our teen group’s theme Scripture passage comes from Ephesians 4:22-24: “That ye put off concerning the former conversation the old man, which is corrupt according to the deceitful lusts; And be renewed in the spirit of your mind; And that ye put on the new man, which after God is created in righteousness and true holiness.” If you have to point out the bad choice someone has made, always offer an alternative. Most people resort to what they know in order to make a choice… but our teens have not been responsible almost-adulting humans for very long. They honestly don’t know that much yet about life and friends and love and choices! They’re just starting to learn about the very adult consequences that their actions and words can have. To be a successful bad guy, you need to be direct and honest with your statement and then follow it with just as direct and honest of an expectation. When they replace a bad choice with a good expectation, they have a direction to head (down the correct path of making better choices on their own). When we simply tell our teens everything they’re doing wrong without telling them what to do right, how to choose right, why they should choose to right, and who they become when they choose right, how are they going to be different the next time? Good choices come from trading our old choices with our new (better) choices. 
4. Always remember what you’re being a bad guy for. It’s not about you: it’s about them. If you can’t say that honestly about your motives, then you’re going to fail at being a good bad guy. When we play the bad guy biblically, it’s only for exhortation & direction: it’s never about being right, being proud, being the boss, or being powerful. That means that if your correction is about you & your opinions, then you will never succeed as a good bad guy. If your correction is about your teen & their success, then you’re going to be a great bad guy. Pride never changes a person for the better, but love definitely does. As the Bible says in Proverbs 10:12, “Hatred stirreth up strifes: but love covereth all sins.” If you correct someone out of anger, bitterness, pride, or because you’re just plain annoyed, your words are definitely going to fall on deaf ears. But if you correct out of love, humility, patience, and a deep and honest desire to help someone become the best version of themselves that God can make them, your words can move the mountains of their hearts.
5. Know your context. The right words given at the wrong time will change no one, the wrong words given at the wrong time are ineffective, but the right words given at the right time are well received. For instance, if a young woman was repeatedly mean or cruel with her words, I may not choose to address her hurtful choices in front of her entire youth group. What if she were being cruel to different people because she’s really hurting and struggling to figure out if her faith is really hers or if it’s just a faith she puts on because her parents want her to? As Jesus said in Luke 6:45, “A good man out of the good treasure of his heart bringeth forth that which is good; and an evil man out of the evil treasure of his heart bringeth forth that which is evil: for of the abundance of the heart his mouth speaketh.” If someone has an abundance of hurt, pain, and confusion in their heart right, they may be speaking hurt, pain, and confusion into the lives of those around them as a result. This would be that person’s context. If I had play the bad guy publicly or harshly for this person who I know in context is hurting, my message would never be received; in fact, this person probably would have fostered more hurt, pain, and anger towards me. But I’d rather see this young woman become the kind, generous, loving, and godly young woman that I know she’s capable of becoming. Timing, as the saying goes, may be everything, but I would say timing and context make all the difference.

If you remember none of these the next time you have to play the bad guy in your ministry, just remember this: love is the primary source of a good bad guy’s words. If you’re loving your teens the way they so desperately need to be loved, then you’ll remain loving even in correction. I love all my girls and women that I’ve worked with in the past 15 years, even the grumpy ones. 🙂 But I’ve not always been loving to them when I’ve had to play the bad guy. I (and you) can only be a successful bad guy when our words come from the love we have for those we’re ministering to. Love makes all the difference.

Love, Meghan (aka Mrs. Bad Guy)