As women, we hurt when the people we love hurt. It’s natural for us to care deeply about the pain others are experiencing: we empathize and want to help any way we can. But how do we turn that feeling into something that can actually help the people that are hurting?

1.Pray. Seems obvious, right? But I’ve found it comes very easy to my natural, fleshy self to say “Oh, I’ll be praying for you,” and then my life takes over and I forget to pray or only pray quick, sporadic prayers. The intention’s there, but no umph to back it up. If you really want to help someone who’s hurting, make a point to pray for them consistently and intentionally.

1 Timothy 2:8 states, “I will therefore that men pray every where, lifting up holy hands, without wrath and doubting.” The greatest comfort and help we can give to someone who’s hurting is the willing lift of our hands towards Heaven. Lift up their burdens and needs and hurts to Him intentionally.

I’ve found that writing down the name of the person and keeping it with me throughout my day helps me pray more often for those I know are hurting. Keeping it physically in front of you can help you pray more often through your day. By praying more often, your prayers become more fervent. And we know that a fervent prayer is exactly what God wants from us.

2. Be there. A person who is hurting feels alone in their hurt. And oh, does that loneliness settle in. There are so many different feelings that go along with emotional pain. Sometimes, all a person needs to feel better is knowing there’s someone else there. Sit next to them, hold their hand, give them a hug, ask how things are going. Your presence can help remind them of God’s presence and can help keep the loneliness at bay. We are instruments of His love, the physical presence of His blessing to our loved ones, and we show His love to others by loving in person. Don’t disappear just because you feel awkward.

Most people are there at the beginning, during the shock of the circumstance that has come to sit. Many people are also there at the ending to rejoice in overcoming the hurts. But remember to be there in the in-between time as well. The person who was hurting a couple of days ago will need a fresh word of encouragement. Hugs and visits wear off after a little while and need to be renewed when the hurting gets thick.

3. Do the little things.  James 2:14-17 tells us, “What doth it profit, my brethren, though a man say he hath faith, and have not works? can faith save him? If a brother or sister be naked, and destitute of daily food, And one of you say unto them, Depart in peace, be ye warmed and filled; notwithstanding ye give them not those things which are needful to the body; what doth it profit? Even so faith, if it hath not works, is dead, being alone.” We can pray fervently for our hurting loved ones, but without meeting any physical needs that they have, what good would it do? Make a meal. Write a note of encouragement. Give money if that’s their need. Offer to watch or walk their dog if their loved one is in the hospital. Clean up their yard when they’re not looking. Offer to take a responsibility off their shoulders. Do their laundry. All the little physical things that may take you only a couple of minutes to care for add up and help bring that loved one comfort.

4. Don’t rationalize or give advice that was not requested. When someone is hurting, they almost never need you to figure out why God allowed this (whatever the “this” may be) happen. They almost never need to understand the why’s when they’re hurting in the right now. There will be months and years of contemplating the purpose of God’s moving to come: there’s no comfort to be found in pressuring your loved one into figuring out the answers right now.

Refrain from giving advice unless the person who is hurting specifically asks for it. Women often offer advice to make themselves feel better: by offering a word of advice, they’re able to “help.” But it doesn’t make the person who’s hurting feel better: this is what I like to call self-centered comforting.

5. Be real. Don’t downgrade or over-spiritualize a battle someone is facing. A person sometimes just needs acknowledgment that what they’re enduring is, in fact, hard. It’s okay to go through trials: the Bible is full of characters who had to endure hard things. It’s okay to hurt: God calls Himself our Comforter for a reason. A hurting soul does not need to hear that everything will be perfect and they don’t need to hear all the ways God will use this situation just now. Just be real and allow them to be human. They may say things or do things that they would never say or do normally: practice grace and mercy to their hurting heart.

Ultimately, God is the greatest Comforter to the hurting heart. Psalms 34:18 tells us, “The LORD is nigh unto them that are of a broken heart; and saveth such as be of a contrite spirit.” But He is able to use us to help those who are hurting if we’re willing. Who needs your comfort today? How do you want to intentionally help their hurting heart?