It’s really hard to know what to say or do when someone in your ministry loses a loved one. It feels awkward when someone you love is hurting, but you’re not able to ease their pain. You want to say something meaningful, but the right words seem evasive. When I was 12, my stepmom died of leukemia. Last year, my lifelong best friend and adopted uncle passed away suddenly of heart complications. A couple weeks ago, my dad passed away unexpectedly. Through these experiences, I’ve seen several people attempt to minister to me and my family and there are three things I’ve picked up on that really seemed to help them minister effectively. We know that Jesus’ purpose on earth according to Mark 10:45 was “not to be ministered unto, but to minister, and to give his life a ransom for many.” If that was Christ’s purpose and we’re Christ-followers, we must make it a point to minister as well as possible in our service to Him and His children. So, how do we effectively minister to the mourning?

1. Ask the right question. Instead of asking “Are you okay?” say “I’m sorry for your loss. Is there anything I can do to help?” Very few people actually take you up on the offer, but empathy and compassion are much more obvious through the second question than with the first. While asking if someone is okay probably seems innocent, it’s very easily perceived as being nosy and the answer to that question can’t be the whole truth. How could anyone be completely okay when someone they love has passed on? You then obligate the person you’re asking to say they’re fine even when they really are not fine. You place an unnecessary burden on their already full shoulders in that they now have to make you feel better because you asked if they are okay.
2. Don’t criticize or burden the immediate family. When you lose a loved one, you have the completely unwanted burden of having to choose how best to lay that person to rest. You feel numb going through the motions of selections, but you want to best reflect that person’s wishes, wants, desires, personality, and likes into this goodbye. With all of the pressure of wanting to fulfill the wishes of a person who is no longer living, the last thing the family needs is another person pressuring them into changing their mind. The officiator for my dad’s memorial service was a close friend of our family since the early 90’s. I will forever be grateful that he never questioned our reasoning for choosing the type of service that we did. My dad, for instance, did not want doom & gloom at his memorial service: his desire was for people to share uplifting, funny, happy stories and experiences. Our officiator did exactly that: he shared a funny experience he’d had with my dad, he kept everything more upbeat and joyous about our memories. He followed our wishes exactly. He could have questioned why we didn’t have a singer come in or why we chose to cremate or… really anything that we chose to do or not do. Just celebrating my dad’s memory in the way we asked was the most comforting thing that pastor could ever had done for us. 
3. Be present. The most important thing you can do when someone in your ministry loses a loved one is to be present. I can remember my teachers showing up at my stepmom’s viewing and how comforting their familiar presence was to me and my siblings. The day we got news that my dad had passed on, my pastor and head deacon came out to pray with me and my family. We received several calls, texts, posts, and cards from people I didn’t even think knew who I was. Just those small representations of the presence of love in my life have been very comforting. I think of a particular Chinese proverb that says, “Shared joy is double joy; shared sorrow is half sorrow.” Any small effort of letting someone know that you’re present is a step towards ministering to the mourning heart: it takes half the sorrow away knowing someone is just there.

Ultimately, we must remember that our purpose in the ministry, just like Jesus, is to minister. When we remember that it’s not about us, we remember to love others the way that Christ would in these sad circumstances. What would Jesus do to help minister to those who have lost a loved one?

Love, Meghan