She was sad and angry all the time. She had just endured a trauma and a very rough break up, she lived so far away from her family, and she was failing at just about anything she attempted in life. Because she’d focused so long on trying to make her relationship with her boyfriend work, she’d long neglected her friendships and it really showed. When a holiday came, she had no one to call to plan something special with. She spent her nights watching Netflix and her days avoiding people in general.

She’d lost herself in the idea of what others thought she should be: her clothes, her music, and her lifestyle all formed a mask hiding her true identity. She’d sold herself for love twice in a row only to realize that a mask couldn’t sustain a relationship.

She had no purpose and no idea what God wanted her to do with her life. Because she hadn’t even tried talking to Him in so long, she wasn’t even sure if she could remember how to pray. She certainly felt out of place whenever she tried to go to church. She ate her feelings again and again. She felt empty, completely void of hope. She thought more than once to herself, “What if I just keep driving instead of going to work? What if I just pack a bag and disappear?” This question began to morph into, “Would anybody miss me if I were gone? What if I just stopped existing?”

What if that were the end of the story? What if the end was that girl taking her life? What if this short time of darkness was the end?

I would not be writing this devotional if that were the end. Because that girl was me 8.5 years ago. It could have been the end of my story, the way it is for so, so many young women. But I never got to the point where I thought ending my life was a serious option. Many others do. Suicide, according to the National Suicide Prevention Line’s website, is the 2nd leading cause for death in people aged 18-24. But, thank God, that was not my end.

I wish I could tell you I had a big epiphany where I just woke up one day and *boom* I was better. But it really all started with one choice: I decided to go home. From there, it was one small, right choice that led to the next small, right choice until eventually, the burdens and darkness were gone.

Here’s 4 small steps I took towards changing how my story ends. I preface these steps with this statement though: if you feel the need to end your story, please seek help immediately. You are far too valuable and necessary to this world to end your story before it should.

1. Get away from “I.” When telling my story at the beginning of this post, I used the words “I,” “she,” or “her” to reference myself 34 times. When your primary time and effort is spent on “I” instead of “them,” it becomes very easy to grow depressed and unhappy. We, as Christians, hold the solitary purpose of reaching others: when we ignore this purpose, we lose ourselves. How much time do you spend focusing on what “I” wants, what “I” needs, what “I” is doing, or what “I” is saying? A person who keeps an outward focus tends to focus on their own problems less and less. Every time I think about an inwardly focused person, I think of Judas. Have you ever wondered why he betrayed Jesus? I mean, we know that Judas exchanged turning Jesus in for 30 pieces of silver, but was that really his only reasoning? We know that many of the disciples or followers of Jesus assumed He was setting up an earthly kingdom that would overthrow the Roman oppressors. Did Judas grow upset or bitter towards Christ leading up to the betrayal because he felt betrayed himself as he realized that Christ would not be setting up his earthly throne so soon? Was Judas solely focused on every little way his own desires hadn’t been met? Sure, he got to see miracles, but never any miracles bringing riches into his own life. It’s hard to imagine Judas as being anything but inwardly focused. And just like Judas, being lost in our own ways and our own desires can force us to betray ourselves into hurting those who love us and into ending our story too soon. 
2. Think small. Have you ever told yourself, “I’m going to lose 10 pounds. I’ll start my diet [[[[[tomorrow]]]]]?” Yeah, me too. Typically, we go all out with these changing choices and making big, gigantic promises to ourselves that we would never even have a chance at keeping. If you want to change how your story ends, you don’t do it an entire book at a time: you break it down into chapters, paragraphs, and sentences. We find in Numbers 30:2, “If a man vow a vow unto the LORD, or swear an oath to bind his soul with a bond; he shall not break his word, he shall do according to all that proceedeth out of his mouth.” It’s important that we make promises to ourselves but it’s more important that we keep those promises to ourselves. If we attempt small, positive changes instead of gigantic ones, we’re increasing our chances of keeping our promises to ourselves. Change one small thing that you’re doing that’s negative. Let’s use the example of a friendship that’s negatively impacting you. If you feel like you can’t cut off the friendship totally all at once (which can be very difficult), you could start by saying “No” when they ask you to hang out every other time that they ask. From there, you could move on to saying no every two times they ask. You can then keep going until that negative friendship is then out of your life. Most changes in how your story ends have to be made one small choice at a time.
3. Tie new knots. Once you’ve gotten to the point where you’re making those small positive changes of cutting the negative ties out of your life, you have to move forward in tying new, positive knots. Tie yourself to things and people that will be good influences. Ephesians 4:22-24 tells us, “That ye put off concerning the former conversation the old man, which is corrupt according to the deceitful lusts; And be renewed in the spirit of your mind; And that ye put on the new man, which after God is created in righteousness and true holiness.” Put off, put on; put off, put on. This is the method of lasting change according to God. If your church is negatively affecting you, move to one that’s positive. If your friends are really bringing you down, go look for new friends. If binge-watching Netflix into the wee hours of the night is making you depressed, maybe it’s time to binge-listen to some good Christian podcasts or Bible reading while you take a walk in the great outdoors. Replace the negative influences with the positive influences and you’ll be changing your story’s ending from sad and lonely to happy and godly.

Maybe these steps seem a little too hard right now: it’s okay. Even the smallest, tiniest step or decision can start the necessary change your life needs. The important thing to remember is that you can choose to make a different ending today. This trial you’re going through is not your end. This sad and dark time is not your end. The hard things you’re enduring through are not your end. You have the God-given power to say, “This is not how my story ends.” Use your power and keep going, girl!

Love, Meghan