Lately, I’ve been asking myself a question that I know other women often ask themselves as well. Why don’t I have any close friends? I mean, I’ve got so many acquaintances: people I see at church, women who I chitchat with at a Bible study, groups I can stand in and know a basic idea of what’s going on in their lives. I even have friends from college I still talk to every now and then and friends in our previous city we lived in who I know love me. But local, here-and-now-in-this-stage-of-life-trust-with-all-my-heart-kindred-spirit friends? Not really.

I want so badly to have a woman in my daily life right now that I could count on to speak truth in my life without biting my head off, a woman who could accept my faults and cheer on my successes, a woman who encourages me in the little day-to-day things to honor Christ first of all. Someone who can walk into my house, see the mess and not judge my lack of organization at home; someone who can bear burdens together with me; someone who prays just as quick as she send me that dumb meme she knows I’d love. I want a close friend who would allow me to love and support her like this as well.

I find myself questioning whether this is all my fault: am I friendless because I don’t try to be friendly enough? Am I friendless because I struggle with trust? Am I friendless because I’m grumpy in the mornings? Am I friendless because I don’t dress the same way? Am I friendless because I’m just not the type of woman people naturally love? How do I even go about letting women know I’m available for friendship without putting up a giant neon sign above my head that says “Free friend here!!!?”

But here’s the thing: no matter if any of those questions brought me to the reason why I don’t have any close friends right now, I know that I still have hope of that imaginary goal-friend. And I know I have to take steps towards making myself available if I want to meet this woman, get to know her, earn each other’s trust….. So how do I go about doing that? Here’s what I think from what I’ve seen work in the past, what I’ve seen work for other women, and what the Bible says:

1. I need to open the door. It’s common sense, right? I can’t welcome a new friend if I’m not willing to open up and let them in. When I take this advice literally, I find that I have to be willing to let the girl I don’t know that well come see what my three-years-old can do to my house with 10 minutes of work. I have to be willing to move all the things out of my front seat without shame while this new friend is watching so that she can come with me to get coffee. I have to be willing to open up my life and heart to this new person who could very, very well use that opportunity to shoot some fiery darts into my spirit. The Bible puts it this way in Proverbs 18:24, “A man that hath friends must shew himself friendly: and there is a friend that sticketh closer than a brother.” If I want a friend, I need to be willing to open the door of friendship. Yes, it requires vulnerability. Yes, it may result in some heartaches or hurt feelings. But having the type of friendship and connection that my heart craves would be worth it. I cannot let fear of judgment keep me from building a local community of friends. I cannot allow my pride to close the door to friendship by being offended when my humility would keep the door open for more chances at a real friend.
2. I need to let the bridge burn. The idea of burning a bridge means that you can’t go back that direction. Sometimes, in order to be open to building good friendships, we have to let go of the people in our lives that are dragging us down. Building a new friendship and building a new community takes a lot of work, effort, and hope: if you’ve been holding onto someone who’s not acting like a real friend (consistently negative, overly critical, unbiblical approach to life), it’s time to let them go. Stop putting effort into an acquaintance that will never be a true friend. Proverbs 27:6 tells us, “Faithful are the wounds of a friend; but the kisses of an enemy are deceitful.” The Bible is very clear that staying “friends” with the enemy is not good, while building a relationship where you can speak truth (even though it’s hurtful to hear) into each others’ lives is good. If someone is clearly burning bridges with their actions or words against you, maybe it’s time to just let the bridge burn and move on.
3. I need to beware of the “compare” trap. Comparison is the thief of our joy, but it’s also the thief of real friendship. I struggle with this one so, so, so, so much! The Bible tells us that “He that answereth a matter before he heareth it, it is folly and shame unto him,” yet I find myself answering a person’s identity long before I know them. I also find myself filling in thoughts about me that they’ve never said. I either find myself comparing myself to these incredible women I come in contact with and then I feel like I have nothing to offer to form a friendship or I find myself judging nit-picky little details that make these women different from me and I build walls where God would intend good doors! There’s no competition of who can be the greatest woman we all know: we don’t have to compare ourselves to each other. As Jamie Lee Dooley of Soul Scripts said in a podcast I listened to recently, “Go love people that the enemy or the world says should be your competition and your life will be the fuller for it.” Don’t let comparison steal the possibility of gaining a true, close friend in your life. That woman you think is perfect and way above your level of having your life together is probably struggling with the exact same insecurities or tendencies to quick judgment that you are.
4. I need to speak truth and kindness. The woman in Proverbs 31 is widely considered the ideal Christian woman that we should all strive to be like. In Proverbs 31:26, it says of this woman, “She openeth her mouth with wisdom; and in her tongue is the law of kindness.” I sure do love that first part where the ideal Christian woman gets to speak wisdom. I can tell a person what’s wrong with their life and how to fix it within 5 minutes of them describing their issues. But wisdom, or truth, is only part of the ideal woman’s speech. Her tongue is the law of kindness. The ideal Christian woman is not only to be wise in speaking truth into the lives of those around her: she’s also intended to be kind. If we want to build relationships with the women around us, we must be willing to give and accept wisdom and kindness from each other. I know there’s lots of other women like me, who have no problem with the wisdom part: I’ve heard the comments said behind the backs of others about what needs to be fixed in this person’s life or that person’s life. I’ve heard and seen the verbal attacks of the self-proclaimed righteous. I’ve even spoken truth into more than one woman’s life when she really needed me to speak love into her life more. But you know what? It never gained me a friend. Women only appreciate that wisdom from those who have first proven themselves kind. If we cannot control our tongues and speak kindness, we will never grow our community and we will never have the deep, close friendship that we long for.

These are the 4 things I’m working on in my life to make it possible to have a close friend one day — a real, deep, understanding, supportive, lots and lots and lots of laughter-inducing, building up instead of tearing down kind of friend. Do you recognize that you’re not doing some of these things in your own life? How are you keeping yourself open to new friendships? Or am I really the only person who just doesn’t seem to have a close girlfriend?

Love, Meghan